Fear causes us to do so many crazy and shameful things. I’ve come to call these moments of lashing out, “nightmare moments”. Let me give you an example of what I mean: 

Sparks of anger causes a young lady to lash out at a cashier when she didn’t think she was giving the proper customer service as she misjudged to ability of the elderly worker when the misunderstanding was actually due to a large corporations policy to trap the customer into spending more money and time than the customer was lead to believe. As for the cashier, besides being someone’s grandmother, she WAS just doing her job at the only place she could find employment at her age in order to supplement her households income so that her and her husband could purchase the medicine they need in order to have at least just one more Christmas with their family. (Had she seen this portrait instead of fear’s frustration would she have chosen her words more appropriately?)

Or, perhaps the fear runs deeper. The shopper was already on edge as she counted out nearly the last of her change to purchase the household items she needed fearing most of all that she would not be able to bring home the food that she promised to her beloved pets. (“ ‘Do not I not even cloth the valleys with lilies, or give food to the sparrow?*’, says the Lord.” Had she spent time in the word that day, or that week, or sometime during the last month—even for just a moment, would these have been the words’ upon her heart instead of those from fear of lack?)

Then, again, perhaps it is fear of her own fatality or that of her husband’s as their adrenaline is pushed past the max as a car, not having the right away—and making an illegal move, cuts them off as they are heading into the grocery store parking lot. Looking back she can’t figure out how the accident was avoided, but what stands out in her mind even more are the thoughts of inescapable, all-consuming darkness that would become her life where she to loose her sole mate. (Or, perhaps the devotion would have been from Jeremiah 28:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and give you hope.*” What if these words were the motto of her like that she took comfort in instead of her indulgences to the fear of loss.)

Oh, and how I must not forget to mention that Christmas is about two weeks away. And although pretty much everything that this young lady had on her family’s Christmas list is going to be given to them as their gifts and birthday presents, two doubts of hers remain and one from that of her husband’s: “what are we to do for the gifts we are to give, and the bed that I dare not even pray for because I don’t want to get my husband’s hopes up if no answer of provision comes to this need,” she muses. Yes—it is a need for her husband to no longer have unrestful sleep, stiffness and sourness of his joints upon awaking. Although, unlike last year’s approach for her husband to the holiday season—which was a ‘bah-humbug’ approach for her husband to the season, not like Scrooge, but for not having ever really felt to joy of the season—the ability to give as an expression of God’s love is something he has really been wanting to do this year, which in itself is an answer to her prayers from last year, but neither she nor her husband has dared to not get excited for fear of the disappointment of once again not being able to experience the joy of giving during this special season. (Once again, the Lord has a response if she would just listen to His gentle whisper over the screams for attention from the fear of discouragement: “TRUST in the Lord with all your hear, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He WILL direct your path.*”)

Add to that all the every day fears and wows that are experienced within one’s lifetime and that is how I found myself unable to sleep after a day filled with so many seemingly unconnected events until I started to recognize just how far away I had come from expressing joy, love, understanding, or compassion as I realized what was haunting me the most about the face of the lovely cashier was the fear in her eyes as my inexcusable actions became her nightmare moment.

Tonight, I did hear my Father’s broken heart as He tearfully whispered, “ ‘And you will know that they are my disciples by their love’…how can you be known as Mine if you do not show My love?” Upon which my heart became sorry, then repentant. So as not to forget this important lesson, and for other’s to hear from the Father, I pen the lessons of this day.

*Paraphrased and/or emphasis added.

I’ve just come from a meeting for a video project that I have been looking forward to doing. Only, when I walked in instead of being overcome with excitement I wanted to cry. I was reminded of how much of my independence I’ve given up, and by that surrender just how much of myself I’ve lost.